Whether we like it or not or even want to admit it, the past can have a definite effect on our present (and our future) if we allow it.
Take, for instance, in reference to relationships. If our parents had an overall positive marital relationship and we get married, we will enter into our marriage relationship with the perspective that this relationship is of greatest importance, worth every effort necessary to protect, nurture and strengthen it as the years go by. We will see our mates as the “apple of our eye”, the one closest to our heart, the one we first fell in love with, the one we will want to grow old with. This is the one who means more to us than even our children, if God has blessed us with any. The positive of the past relationships has poured forth more positive in the present and will likewise do so in the future as the generations continue to see the healthy example of what a true Biblical marital relationship should be.
However, just as the initial precept can be of benefit if approached positively, so it is true on the flipside...negatively. If one had an upbringing in a dysfunctional family situation, if abuse of a physical, sexual, verbal or an emotional nature were present within one’s parent’s marital relationship, a person tends to carry that baggage unwittingly into their own marriage relationship. Often times, this can show itself in one of two forms. (1) The person who has had a negative example of a marriage relationship can choose a mate much like the abusive mother or father, believing that by pleasing and submitting themselves to the abusive mate, they will be rectifying mistakes of the past as well as keeping this marriage together. This is officially called co-dependency. (2) Or the person with the negative past seeks to overcome it by ultimate control, making sure that the abuse witnessed in his/her parent’s marital relationship is not repeated again. Therefore, he/she diminishes or completely disengages from pursuit of a real relationship with his/her mate in the marriage, choosing to focus energies and attention on the children, if any, or hobbies, work, home repair, etc., while putting just enough care on the mate to keep the marriage going. Neither of these two responses to the past are healthy or Biblical.
God wants us to have the right perspective when it comes to handling the past in our lives. He is the God Who brings change when things of the past were negative and hurtful. He desires to take those “crooked” events and “straighten” them out so that we may experience the fullness of His will in our lives. Listen to His promise in Isaiah 42:16:
I will lead the blind by a way they do not know,
In paths they do not know I will guide them.
I will make darkness into light before them
And rugged places into plains.
These are the things I will do,
And I will not leave them undone.
Especially when it comes to marriage, which is earth’s reflection of Christ’s relationship with His Church, He wants us to experience the joy and gladness He intended for husband and wife within His designed covenant. The love that they share is blessed of Him (as is referenced in Song of Solomon and I Corinthians 7) such that they are to be the focus of each other throughout their time together; all others, apart from Him, are to be secondary (rf. Ephesians 5:22-33). This is to be the legacy that they pass on to their children and so on for the generations to come.
So, in general, if yours was a past that affected you positively, literally, thank God for it. Especially, if you had parents whose marital relationship was uplifting, mutually-beneficial, and had the proper, Biblical priorities in place, you were blessed with a great example. Promise the Lord to carry forth that legacy into your own marriage if that is His design for your life.
And, if the above was not your experience at all, do not be dismayed or discouraged. Rather, be honest with yourself and God. He knows already so you won’t be telling Him something new. Understand His promise to take the “darkness” of past experiences and make them into “light” according to what He has designed, according to His Word. It will not be easy, but it will be worth it. Commit to begin today to create a new legacy with Him, one that your children will look back and say, “Thank you for giving me an example to live by.”
God has and will always be in the business of transformation, of lives, of marriages, etc. He delights in taking the apparently impossible and making it happen. Are you ready to see Him so work in your life today?
